Those of you I talk to on a consistent basis know that I am reading a book right now that is totally changing the way that I look at parenting kids and I am sorry, but you are going to hear more about it on this post! The unexpected blessing has been how it is changing my understanding of how God deals with me. Me. Not my child. The book is LOVING OUR KIDS ON PURPOSE by Danny Silk. It is super funny and way not traditional (well, not traditional from the parenting standpoint I know and read about), but totally makes sense.
Here's some of the main points (I will do my best, but I am still processing all this stuff):
1. Jesus said,"If you have seen me, you have seen my Father." Your kids should know God because they have seen you. You will parent the way you see God.
2. In the Old Testament, we were motivated by external controls; basically, people were scared to death of the punishments that would come for their sin, so they tried to live righteously. In the New Testament, we are motivated from the heart. Jesus said, "If you love me, you will follow my commands," NOT "You will follow my commands if you love me." A love relationship brings obedience, obedience does NOT bring a love relationship with Christ. The same goes for parenting....Plus, what is keeping them in check when there are NO external reinforcements if it is not within their hearts? When you are not there threatening them with punishment for if they get really drunk one weekend or are out there with them and their friends or with their boyfriends or girlfriends and have the opportunity to make a poor choice?
3. That being said, kids, even at a young age, are responsible for their half of their relationship with their parents. When they realize that you have limits with them, it puts the ball in their court. Scary thought, I know, but it makes sense if you think about it. I can't be around Eli when he is throwing a fit, so he has a choice. He can stay with me and have fun, or he can go to his room. I can't be around Eli when he is throwing a fit for no reason or I am going to be a cranky and worn out parent who ends up resenting him. Basically, have boundries with your kids. Stop telling them what to do and start telling them what you are going to do if they continue to act the way they are. So, he gets to become responsible for his actions at 16 months. Yes, responsibility at 16 months. AND HE GETS IT!!! Kids are so stinking smart! When I say, "You can have fun with Mama or you can go to your room," he looks at me and stops throwing a fit because he wants to be with me! When you think about it, it's the same way with Jesus. Our choices either bring us closer to him or seperates us from him. Not because of him, but because of us. Seriously, I never would have had that expectation for him at such a young age. I am such a less stressed out parent and I have enjoyed Eli so much more the past two months. Kids can realize at a very young age that their choices effect you also. When you have a heart connection with your kids the way Jesus does with us, they want to be with you. They want to make right choices because they understand they can hurt your heart. That should be our motivation with Christ. He doesn't want us to be obedient because we are afraid of getting in trouble, he wants us to understand that our choices effect our relationship!
4. Controlling others does not make you more powerful and certainly does nothing for the person you are controlling. You are powerful when you can control yourself. Teach your kids that.
5. Create a safe place for them to fail. If you condemn them every time they fail, you are pushing them to solve their problems outside of the safety of your family and to solve their problems away from you and probably with those that are their own age! God does not withhold love from us when we fail. He doesn't say, "Bad boy!" or "Shame on you!" What does he do? He says, "Ok, what are you going to do about your problem? Would you like my help with this? i love you and will do whatever you need me to do in order to get things right. I love you regardless, but you have to know that you made the choice and have to deal with the consequnces. I am here when you need me. I love you." Jesus wants us to run right to him when we fail. Problem is, many of us want to run the other direction because we are so fearful that he is so mad or disappointed in us that he is just going to shun us. Where is that in scripture outside of the Old Testament? Even in the OT, God ALWAYS took his people back after repentance. Why do we believe that? Because that was the way most of us were raised. We want to be the place where they RUN to when they make a mistake and sin.
6. They create messes and we need to let them figure out with their brains. KIDS ARE SMART! That does NOT mean don't help them. That means to ask them questions about what they could possibly do in order to solve their problems. Think about Job. Remember at the end of Job after all of his friends had forced all of this advice on him and God came and asked him a ton of question to help him understand his situation.
There is SOOOOO much more, but this post is already so long. I'll write more later. I feel as though I am not even doing justice to the book, so I really hope that someone will go out there and get it and let me know what you think. If you don't have time to read, you can get the cd's too where Danny Silk is preaching on it. Both are really good. The book has more detailed examples, though.
Just some food for thought.
